Vertigo
by Cappuccino Afternoon
Summary: a crossover fic involving: LOTR,Stargate SG1,Pirates of the Caribbean,StarWars,Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,Finding Neverland wa touch of Secret Window. Mix it all together and what do you get? ding! Well...we'll see.
1. Il Commence

Hello, hello, hello...

Dear Reader,

The fan fiction that is loaded on your screen (assuming that you are indeed about to read this) is not for the serious at heart. It is, in fact, a very silly fiction that involves a perfect chocolatier, a half drunken pirate, an elite team of space heroes and many more bizarre characters. if you are looking for a soppy love story or autobiography, I suggest you leave this page now. My dear partner and I have tried our best to capture our ideas into this tale, but if you choose to read another, you will be missing out on a wonderfully scrambled (a word which here means "mixed-up") adventure.

With All Due Respect,

Snthia Archibald and Bicki

A/N and Disclaimer: Neither myself nor my partner own any of the characters or even HALF of the story plot or dialauge of this fable. We simply put together a comical jumble of stories and tried to form a sloppy plot. Neither of us aspire to be writers, so please do not be so disappointed that our chapters are rather short. Thank you.

Feel free to leave encouraging words or critical plot holes by clicking the hand "review" button at the bottom of the page.

Now...on with the story! Let us see where this goes, shall we?

_Tap…tip…tad…tap…_ Words popped out onto the screen. He had three days to finish this story before he turned it into his editor.

"This one will make it," he thought. "It has to!"

The last four stories he had submitted had either been rejected right away, or didn't quite make it to the best seller list. Okay, so it totally stank, according to the critics (although it was worded slightly different). His very first book was raved about from here to…to…uh, everywhere. And even his second and third did pretty well, but something happened. His housekeeper brought him tea he didn't remember requesting. He got drunk one night, and the next day, he woke up with a mysterious hangover. He would get his semi-annual haircut and not recall it.

At first it made for some interesting story lines, but that only lasted for a total of what, one short story? So, here he sits, straining to type even one sentence that will satisfy his readers.

"Get a hold of yourself, James! This is it! You blow this and you're done for!" he told himself. But the reply to his own command caught him off guard.

"You, little man. What are you doing?" The voice had a strange accent, and he pronounced his words impeccably.

James' eyes grazed the room around him—an empty room. The room was cluttered and filled, to be sure, but not with something that could conjure such a question.

"Not again…" James groaned.

"What? I can't understand you when you mumble. You know that."

"I don't know _anything_ anymore! Everything's all jumbled together and I can't make head nor tails of it! No one likes my stories anymore, my publisher is threatening to drop me, and guess what? It just gets worse, as my life is wont to do. I have just been informed by Mary that she is leaving me." James wasn't particularly angry about these facts, but rather, he was more devastated and confused about the recent occurrings he stated. "Everything else I could handle, but she was the best thing that ever happened to me! I loved her…she was the most beautiful creature in the world!"

"Clearly you've never been to Singapore." The new voice just about startled James out of his seat and onto the be-rugged floor. The new speaker's comment had a less cultured and slurred, English drunken bum tone to it. James gathered his wits enough to utter a short grunt and a muffled "Great, just what I need at a time like this."

Mr. Perfect interjected, "Mumbler! Seriously, you two really need to quit. It's really starting to bum me out."


	2. Part Deux

I once again apologize that the previous chapter as well as this is rather short. But I will say that I warned you! )

Mr. Barrie's maid walked in, "Good morning, Sir," The man jumped again

fearing that yet another character was coming into his strange nightmare. "May I get you anything for breakfast?" He turned to see the woman, "No, thank you," He rubbed his throbbing head. "I'll get something a little later."

James' thoughts drifted back to his wife again.

"She's already gone, mate." The slurred voice somehow comforted.

"I know," He sighed. There was a brief moment of silence, but it was soon brought to an end.

"Besides, you can't have your family hanging over you and like an old, dead goose. It would ruin your already hopeless career!"

James shook himself out of his daze, realizing who he was taking advice from and went downstairs to the kitchen.

"You're not going to eat that are you?" He began pouring the fruity o's into a bowl. "Do you have any idea what breakfast cereal's made of? It's those little curly wood shavings you find in pencil sharpeners."

The comment triggered thoughts of his father. Images of a white headed man with a beard burst into his already crowded mind. His father, the dentist, took great pride in his work. He would often lecture his son about proper nutrition and oral hygiene. Poor James was deprived of his favorite treats as a child, which often labeled him as the social outcast. His father would seem cruel in the eyes of any child- like most dentists- but deep down he loved his son, whether he showed it openly or not.

James, realizing his bowl was about to spill over, stopped pouring the cereal and

began evening out the portion. Porthos the dog sat down at his side. The animal seemed to be his closest and only friend at the moment—or at least that appeared in the room.

"What are you looking at?" Porthos cocked his furry head and stuck out his panting tongue. "You like my stories, don't you Porthos?" The dog snorted, stretched and left the room. "Some fan club." He sighed. Porthos began barking from the hallway around the corner and Mr. Barrie got up to see what was causing the stir. "You want to go for a walk, boy?" Porthos barked in return and James attached the leash that hung from the dog's mouth.


	3. The Park

Disclaimer: Um... I own none of the characters in this mess of a tale. Really... as weird as they all are, none are original of my own mind. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, eh! Heh... ok, anyways.

A/N: Oh yeah! Aside from the disclaimer above, I know what you're thinking. This girl is a genius! Why hasn't someone thought to put these characters together before now? Well... for all I know someone may have, but to end my random ramblings, I will say I am back... for now. We'll see how long this goes, but without further or do, continue... to yet another short chapter. :end author's notes:

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The park –- Mr. Barries' haven of thought. It was a favorite spot for both man and animal. The two often loved taking long walks or just observing the people as they passed by in their public oasis.

James looked up from his paper. It seemed Porthos had found a playmate; a young girl. She looked about seven or eight with long curly locks floating in the wind. A bright smile lit up across her face as she stroked the dog. It wasn't long before her adult companions brought the dog back to his presumable owner.

A tall woman with short, blonde hair and two men approached Mr. Barrie still sitting on his bench.

"I'm sorry, is this your dog?" she said, holding the dog's collar.

"Yes, I'm sorry for the intrusion." James apologized, "I was just about to take him off your hands."

'_Off their hands? Come now, mate...you were nothing more than an almost innocent bystandard!' _James shook his head.

"Oh, no problem! We were enjoying the company." The slightly geekish looking man with glasses answered.

"Cassandra." A man holding a dog walked up.

"Uncle Jack!" the little girl yelped, "Look what I found!"

"Looks like I'm too late," said the man, setting down the pup and patting the top of it's head.

"Oh, it's ok, sir," the woman replied, "he belongs to this gentleman."

"James Barrie." he stretched out his hand. The man took it, shaking in return. "Colonel Jack O'neill."

"James Barrie? Wow, I've heard of you." The man in glasses spoke up, "Dr. Daniel Jackson, Archeologist."

"Oh, yes. I used some of your research for my books. It was, uh...quite fascinating." The Colonel rolled his eyes and the woman smirked.

"Samantha Carter," the woman smiled warmly, "but everyone calls me Sam. And this is...Murry." she said, offering the attention of the third man.

"I am most pleased to meet you, James Barrie." the large man said in an impeccable voice.

'_You're really weird!' _Frustrated again, as if to distract himself, James looked up and smiled at the muscular, and slightly scary looking, man with a hat standing before him.

"The uh... pleasure's mine," he said hesitantly.

By this time the two animals had met and were running about sniffing both ends of each other, getting acquainted with one another.

"Porthos! Come!" Mr Barrie called.

"Eh, sorry 'bout that." The Colonel apologized as he picked up the puppy, "Here sweetie, she's yours." The admirable looking man said kindly to the young girl.

"No, it's fine," James said in return, "But I really must be going."

"Oh, well, here's my card..." the shaggy haired man with glasses reached for his pocket, "if you ever need some information, I'd be happy to do some research for you."

James halfway smiled and accepted the small piece of cardstock with a little nod.

"Yes. Thank you." He said sharply and turned to leave.

"It was nice meeting you!" The blonde woman shouted to the man's quickly striding backside. James threw up a little wave and crumpled the small piece of paper in his hand.

'_Rubbernecker...' _


End file.
